This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.